Baptist Church Discovers Secret to Boosting Church Attendance!

Pastor Discovers Key to Rapid Church Growth
The Baptist News Network Press -Savannah, GA.

Reverend Todd Blackburn, age 42, has been pastor of Rehoboam Baptist Church for 12 years. Before accepting the call to pastor the small Southern Baptist church in Pooler, GA., Pastor Todd attended Liberty Theological Seminary in Lynchburg, VA. where he graduated from Liberty's Master of Divinity program. Now, after 12 years of full-time ministry, and after trying every church growth method on the market, Pastor Blackburn believes he has found the key to rapid church growth, and the key is Food!

Pastor Todd explains, "our church membership roll was a bit over 100, yet we never had more than 40% of the membership in attendance for anything we did. We tried the 'Purpose Driven' 40 day program, we tried skits, revivals, rock music, gangsta rap, puppet shows, carnivals, and other programs, but nothing seemed to work out for us. We had been seeing a steep decline in baptisms too. However, I noticed that anytime we had a fellowship meal or 'finger food night' after an evening service, we would see members come to church that we thought had died or maybe joined the French Foreign Legion."

That got Reverend Blackburn thinking. After consulting the deacons, the church called a committee and had a vote. What came out of that vote has now caused Rehoboam Baptist to be one of the fastest growing churches in Southeast Georgia.

Many other Baptist churches have fellowship meals, but Rehoboam Baptist has a meal after every single worship service, every Bible study, and every committee meeting. Pastor Blackburn says he's never seen anything draw the crowds and cause members to be more excited about church than when food is involved.

"In just 3 months", Pastor Todd says, "we've had 221 baptisms, 65 re-dedications, 95 join by letter, 43 join by statement of faith, and every altar call has been packed out. "However," the pastor confesses, "I have to admit that the large responses to my altar calls may have something to do with the free coffee and donut holes we offer people when they come forward to accept Jesus. During each altar call I tell our seekers that the donut holes we offer them represent the 'God shaped hole' they have in their hearts. It really works well!"

This new approach has even had a profound impact on the leadership of Rehaboam Baptist.

"Now all my deacons and committee members come to every church service and prayer meeting!" exclaims Pastor Todd with a big smile. "I have one Trustee who had a fear of going to church on Sunday evenings. He said it was related to childhood psychological trauma from his parents forcing him to go to church on Sunday evenings. Now that we have food following the evening services, this brother has been able to overcome his phobia! Praise the Lord!"

One key to making this program work, according to Pastor Blackburn, is variety:

"You gotta have variety. That's what keeps the people coming. It keeps things interesting. My people love fried chicken, but sometimes you just have to change it up a bit and offer ribs, or pork chops, or even steaks. Our Friday night Bible study features a fish-fry that's been a great outreach for Catholics. We are even considering having a kosher night once a month in order to reach out to Jews in our area."

With all the success Rehaboam Baptist has been having, not all are pleased with their efforts. Many conservative pastors and even a few "bloggers" have spoken out against Pastor Todd's methodology. Most notably, a blogger named Rhett Kelley, of Metter Georgia, has written the editor of The Baptist News Network Press calling Rehoboam Baptist's methods "an outright abomination" and that Pastor Todd "needs to quit pretending to be a pastor and go get a job at Shoney's."

Pastor Blackburn is unfazed by Kelley's criticisms. "He's a hyper-Calvinist," remarks Blackburn with a smirk, "that Rhett Kelley guy probably has nothing better to do than sit around all day reading the "Team Pyro" blog or something. No wonder he has no concern for evangelism. People like that are just quenching the spirit... Dr. Ergun Caner has been warning of such people."

Pastor Blackburn contends that this method is Biblical. He cites many examples from both the Old and New Testaments:

"Well, you see, if one takes a fresh look at the Old Testament sacrificial system, it really appears that God was just throwing a gigantic barbecue! In the New Testament we see Jesus feeding thousands of people with just a few loaves of bread and some fish. Think about the Passover meal and the other Jewish feasts. Look at the Lord's Supper. It's apparent to me that God is all for food, fun, and fellowship! I don't see what all the fuss is about. Jesus called himself the Bread of Life for goodness sakes! I haven't found a single verse saying we can't do this. As long as we be sure the poorer folks get plenty to eat and we abstain from getting drunk like the Corinthians did, I can't see anything wrong with our approach."

When asked if he believes the leaders of the Georgia Baptist Convention will support his methods, Pastor Blackburn confidently replied, "the leaders of the Convention are very supportive. They have even pledged to help underwrite the cost of our meals if we need help. They really want to see this program take off. With the SBC's sluggish baptism numbers, the 'Rehaboam growth model' is really turning heads. I am expecting an invitation to preach a series of messages on our model at First Baptist Church of Woodstock [Georgia] any day now. Who knows, I may even get the chance to address the entire Southern Baptist Convention if all goes well."

Rehoboam Baptist Church is located just 1/2 mile north of Interstate 16 on Old Rehoboam Lake Church Road in Pooler, GA. For more information or to speak to Reverend Blackburn call (912) 555-2007

(btw, this article is a satire)