Your Best Life Now?

by Daniel Nuckols

www.danspulpit.com


(Hat tip: Way of The Master Radio)

Drive Through Church!

(H.T. Way of the Master Radio)

Purpose Driven Church Sued Over Name

The Baptist News Network Press

Sunny Springs, CA. - When the Sunny Springs Baptist Church changed its name to Saddlebags Church, Rev. Mark Lawson and other leaders hoped it would help the image of the 2500 member church. Having recently adopted the Purpose Driven Church model, they hoped that dropping the old denominational name would be just what they needed to complete their makeover and maybe even be enough send their membership numbers toward the 5000 mark.

Now Saddlebags Church and Pastor Lawson face a multi-million dollar lawsuit from nearly a two dozen women who were offended by the new name.

Speaking on behalf of the plaintiffs, Attorney Susan Wilson says, "When the church leadership changed the church name, my clients were deeply offended."

When asked to explain why her clients were offended, Wilson replied, "As we all know, the term 'saddlebags' is a derogatory term used in reference to the shape of some women's outer thighs. After the name change, my clients became very self-conscious of their body image and felt uncomfortable at church. We are seeking restitution for emotional suffering and medical expenses due to the fact that 12 of our clients have had extensive cosmetic surgery due to this incident."

Pastor Lawson was unavailable for comment, but his office did release this statement earlier today:

"We only intended to make our church more like Rick Warren's Saddleback Church so we hoped that changing the name to Saddlebags would help us in this endeavour. It was never our intention to offend women in the church. The leadership at Saddlebags Church stand behind our decision to use this name and hope this can be cleared up before our annual Community Felt Needs Survey next month."

A recent survey conducted within Saddlebags has shown that 93% of the congregation has a very favorable opinion of the new name. Among men, the name recieved almost 100% approval.

Anonymous sources within Saddlebags Church have confirmed that Pastor Rick Warren flew in on Monday to secretly meet with the leaders of the embattled church to advise them on ways to handle the lawsuits and to encourage the church to focus on extending an olive branch to Muslim leaders in the area by seek forgiveness of the All-Merciful One and of the Muslim community around the world.

No court date as been set at this time.



This news story was pure satire!

Happy New Year Everybody!

8 Reasons Why I Don't Share My Faith...

This video clip demonstrates 8 reasons why this fellow won't witness to others. It's humorous, but it makes a good point. Enjoy.

Loathsome Clichés!

The longer I'm a Christian, the more I become annoyed all the silly cliché sayings that we use... Many of these figures of evangelical speech sound silly and most are not based on Scripture. What's worse, is these clichés have a very bad influence on the theology of laity. I've observed that the theological framework of some people is based more upon these oft repeated clichés than anything actually found in Scripture!

Here's a few of the ones I hate the most and I've included a brief explanation of why:

1. "Don't put God in a box."

Reason I don't like it:

God won't fit in any box: He's infinite. This silly saying is often used by people who want to justify some aberrant practice or something that they want to blame on God, but don't have any Scripture to back it with.

2. "Let Go and Let God."

Reason I don't like it:

God is Sovereign, we don't "let" Him do anything. He does what He wants, when He wants. Even is human activities seem to hinder something God's doing, it's only because God allows it for some reason known only to Him.

3. "Accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Saviour."

Reason I don't like it:

What Bible verse is this based upon anyway? The Lord Jesus isn't the one who needs our acceptance: we need His!! Repent and Believe the Gospel is what we should be telling sinners!!!

Okay, there's my top three. There's many more I could list, but I want to let my readers weigh in on the subject.

Feel free to submit your most hated cliché saying(s) in my combox!

Be sure to include the reason why you don't like the cliché!!

Youth Pastor Fired for Teaching too much Bible!

As a new youth director, TBNN really caught my attention with this particular satire....

White and Nerdy

A couple scenes may be slightly offensive, viewer discretion is advised.

End the Slander Now!!

Tominthebox News Network: Armenians protest being called Arminians

Tominthebox takes a humorous look at the frequent confusion that abounds in regards to the spelling of the word "Arminian!"

Tominthebox News Network: Episcopal Priest Claims to be Both Male and Female

Tominthebox News Network: Episcopal Priest Claims to be Both Male and Female

New Baptist Church Covenant for 2007

"Having been led, as we believe, by the feeling we got during the sermon we heard last Sunday, to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as our personal Savior by the raising of our hand and repeating of the Sinner's Prayer during an altar call, having been baptized in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, we do now, in the presence of the Pastor, and the Deacons, most solemnly and joyfully enter into covenant with one another as one of the many Baptist churches in this small town.

We engage, therefore, by the aid of frequent pot-luck dinners, to eat together in Christian charity; to strive for the advancement of the Republican Party, in campaigns, primaries, and the general elections; to promote our own prosperity and ease of life, not neglecting to attend Masonic Lodge meetings; and to care nothing at all about sound doctrine; to contribute every now and then to the local church for the support of the cooperative program, the entertainment of the church, the relief of the Humane Society, the spreading of the Southern Baptist Convention in all nations, so we will look good when our statistics are compared to other churches.

We also engage to maintain family and secret gossip; to educate our children in government schools; to seek to end Global Warming; to promote Antinomianism in the world; to be victorious in our lawsuits, faithful in our 2nd and/or 3rd marriages, and work for the deportment of the 12 million illegal aliens currently residing in the USA; to avoid all restaurants that serve alcohol, as well as avoid Wednesday evening prayer meetings and all Sunday Evening services; to abstain from the sale of, and use of, destructive literature containing Reformed Soteriology; to shun Bible reading, Systematic Theology, and Speaking in Tongues; to be overzealous in our efforts to advance the sale of Dr. Page's "Trouble with The Tulip".

We further engage to watch over one another like "big brother"; to remember one another on our birthdays; to send cards to one another in sickness and distress; to cultivate Christian self-esteem and warm fuzzy feelings, and to refrain from cursing or smoking cigarettes in front of the preacher; to be slow to take offense except in business meetings or during a sermon, but always be mindful of the rules of Parliamentary Procedure and to secure a copy of Robert's Rules of Order without delay.

We moreover engage that when we eventually do get our feelings hurt and leave this church we will, as soon as we get around to it, unite with some other church where we can carry out a study of The Purpose Driven Life and apply the principles of Your Best Life Now."

Proposed SBC Anti-Calvinism Resolution Leaked to Public

The Baptist News Network Press -Savannah, GA.

Anonymous sources have informed The Baptist News Network Press that the recently formed Southern Baptist Counter Reformation Task Force (or "SBCTRF") will introduce an anti-Calvinism resolution during the 2009 Southern Baptist Convention that will be held in Louisville, Kentucky.

Why wait until 2009 in Louisville, KY.?

Our sources tell us that Louisville was picked because of the location of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary (SBTS), and also because it will give the SBCRTF time to gain grassroots level support for their resolution. SBTS is considered by the SBCRTF to be a "training camp for the Calvinist Taliban insurgency." Other sources within the SBCRTF tell us that the passage of this resolution in Louisville will be a significant blow to Calvinists and may perhaps be "the final nail in the coffin of this so-called 'Reformed Resurgence.'"

Below is a transcript of the resolution that was leaked to The Baptist News Network Press earlier today:


The 2009 SBC Anti-Calvinism Resolution

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists should be taught that the initials "J.C." stand for Jesus Christ and not John Calvin; and

WHEREAS, we've all read Dave Hunt's "What Love is This?"; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism stifles evangelism, kills churches, and complicates the doctrine of "Once Saved, Always Saved"; and

WHEREAS, John Calvin was a beret wearing, wine drinking, snail eating, baby baptizing Frenchman; and

WHEREAS, the French are bad for not supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom; and

WHEREAS, John Calvin ruled Geneva like Fidel Castro rules Cuba; and

WHEREAS, John Calvin brutally murdered Michael Servetus, in cold blood, for no apparent reason; and

WHEREAS, whereas the late Jerry Falwell declared "Limited Atonement" a heresy; and

WHEREAS, Billy Graham is not a Calvinist; and

WHEREAS, whereas Calvinists are worse than Muslims; and

WHEREAS, we were "Elected because we selected"; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism produces legalistic resolutions about church membership integrity; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism created opposition to a sensible resolution concerning the total prohibition and eradication of all alcoholic beverages from the face of the planet; and

WHEREAS, Calvinists have been known to fall in the floor -seized in Charismatic type fits of laughter- while reading Dr. Page's "Trouble with the Tulip"; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism leads to attendance of Together for The Gospel conferences which can lead to too close of contact with Charismatics such as C.J. Mahaney; and

WHERAS, Calvinism leads to attendance of Ligonier Conferences which in turn leads to too close of contact with Presbyterians such as R.C. Sproul; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism leads Baptists to doubt Dispensational theology and the Pre-Tribulational Rapture; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism has lead to a drop in Baptism numbers throughout the Southern Baptist Convention; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism has lead to the explosive growth of Reformed blogs where people criticize the great evangelist Charles Grandison Finney; and

WHEREAS, we have not been able to silence Calvinist bloggers; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism makes God the author of sin; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism denies God's chief attribute which is omnibenevolence; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism denies Free Will and makes man into a robot; and

WHEREAS, we know that God gives His Grace to all who deserve it when they simply raise their hand during an altar call; therefore, be it

RESOLVED, that we the messengers to the Southern Baptist Convention being assembled in Louisville Kentucky hereby condemn Calvinistic theology as heresy; and be it further

RESOLVED, that the entire Southern Baptist Convention repent of any Calvinistic beliefs held in previous years and then rewrite Convention history as to exclude any references to having believed Calvinistic theology at all; and be it further

RESOLVED, that we urge all Southern Baptist entities to summarily fire any and all pastors or employees who hold to the "Five Points of Calvinism"; and be it further

RESOLVED, that we urge all Southern Baptist entities to conduct background checks, polygraph tests, and wire taps on all future candidates for employment to determine if applicants Calvinists; and be it further

RESOLVED, that all applicants found to be Calvinists should not be considered for employment; and be it finally

RESOLVED, that the Southern Baptist Convention shall auction off the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary to the highest bidding Presbyterian denomination.

Baptist Church Discovers Secret to Boosting Church Attendance!

Pastor Discovers Key to Rapid Church Growth
The Baptist News Network Press -Savannah, GA.

Reverend Todd Blackburn, age 42, has been pastor of Rehoboam Baptist Church for 12 years. Before accepting the call to pastor the small Southern Baptist church in Pooler, GA., Pastor Todd attended Liberty Theological Seminary in Lynchburg, VA. where he graduated from Liberty's Master of Divinity program. Now, after 12 years of full-time ministry, and after trying every church growth method on the market, Pastor Blackburn believes he has found the key to rapid church growth, and the key is Food!

Pastor Todd explains, "our church membership roll was a bit over 100, yet we never had more than 40% of the membership in attendance for anything we did. We tried the 'Purpose Driven' 40 day program, we tried skits, revivals, rock music, gangsta rap, puppet shows, carnivals, and other programs, but nothing seemed to work out for us. We had been seeing a steep decline in baptisms too. However, I noticed that anytime we had a fellowship meal or 'finger food night' after an evening service, we would see members come to church that we thought had died or maybe joined the French Foreign Legion."

That got Reverend Blackburn thinking. After consulting the deacons, the church called a committee and had a vote. What came out of that vote has now caused Rehoboam Baptist to be one of the fastest growing churches in Southeast Georgia.

Many other Baptist churches have fellowship meals, but Rehoboam Baptist has a meal after every single worship service, every Bible study, and every committee meeting. Pastor Blackburn says he's never seen anything draw the crowds and cause members to be more excited about church than when food is involved.

"In just 3 months", Pastor Todd says, "we've had 221 baptisms, 65 re-dedications, 95 join by letter, 43 join by statement of faith, and every altar call has been packed out. "However," the pastor confesses, "I have to admit that the large responses to my altar calls may have something to do with the free coffee and donut holes we offer people when they come forward to accept Jesus. During each altar call I tell our seekers that the donut holes we offer them represent the 'God shaped hole' they have in their hearts. It really works well!"

This new approach has even had a profound impact on the leadership of Rehaboam Baptist.

"Now all my deacons and committee members come to every church service and prayer meeting!" exclaims Pastor Todd with a big smile. "I have one Trustee who had a fear of going to church on Sunday evenings. He said it was related to childhood psychological trauma from his parents forcing him to go to church on Sunday evenings. Now that we have food following the evening services, this brother has been able to overcome his phobia! Praise the Lord!"

One key to making this program work, according to Pastor Blackburn, is variety:

"You gotta have variety. That's what keeps the people coming. It keeps things interesting. My people love fried chicken, but sometimes you just have to change it up a bit and offer ribs, or pork chops, or even steaks. Our Friday night Bible study features a fish-fry that's been a great outreach for Catholics. We are even considering having a kosher night once a month in order to reach out to Jews in our area."

With all the success Rehaboam Baptist has been having, not all are pleased with their efforts. Many conservative pastors and even a few "bloggers" have spoken out against Pastor Todd's methodology. Most notably, a blogger named Rhett Kelley, of Metter Georgia, has written the editor of The Baptist News Network Press calling Rehoboam Baptist's methods "an outright abomination" and that Pastor Todd "needs to quit pretending to be a pastor and go get a job at Shoney's."

Pastor Blackburn is unfazed by Kelley's criticisms. "He's a hyper-Calvinist," remarks Blackburn with a smirk, "that Rhett Kelley guy probably has nothing better to do than sit around all day reading the "Team Pyro" blog or something. No wonder he has no concern for evangelism. People like that are just quenching the spirit... Dr. Ergun Caner has been warning of such people."

Pastor Blackburn contends that this method is Biblical. He cites many examples from both the Old and New Testaments:

"Well, you see, if one takes a fresh look at the Old Testament sacrificial system, it really appears that God was just throwing a gigantic barbecue! In the New Testament we see Jesus feeding thousands of people with just a few loaves of bread and some fish. Think about the Passover meal and the other Jewish feasts. Look at the Lord's Supper. It's apparent to me that God is all for food, fun, and fellowship! I don't see what all the fuss is about. Jesus called himself the Bread of Life for goodness sakes! I haven't found a single verse saying we can't do this. As long as we be sure the poorer folks get plenty to eat and we abstain from getting drunk like the Corinthians did, I can't see anything wrong with our approach."

When asked if he believes the leaders of the Georgia Baptist Convention will support his methods, Pastor Blackburn confidently replied, "the leaders of the Convention are very supportive. They have even pledged to help underwrite the cost of our meals if we need help. They really want to see this program take off. With the SBC's sluggish baptism numbers, the 'Rehaboam growth model' is really turning heads. I am expecting an invitation to preach a series of messages on our model at First Baptist Church of Woodstock [Georgia] any day now. Who knows, I may even get the chance to address the entire Southern Baptist Convention if all goes well."

Rehoboam Baptist Church is located just 1/2 mile north of Interstate 16 on Old Rehoboam Lake Church Road in Pooler, GA. For more information or to speak to Reverend Blackburn call (912) 555-2007

(btw, this article is a satire)