Baptist Church Discovers Secret to Boosting Church Attendance!

Pastor Discovers Key to Rapid Church Growth
The Baptist News Network Press -Savannah, GA.

Reverend Todd Blackburn, age 42, has been pastor of Rehoboam Baptist Church for 12 years. Before accepting the call to pastor the small Southern Baptist church in Pooler, GA., Pastor Todd attended Liberty Theological Seminary in Lynchburg, VA. where he graduated from Liberty's Master of Divinity program. Now, after 12 years of full-time ministry, and after trying every church growth method on the market, Pastor Blackburn believes he has found the key to rapid church growth, and the key is Food!

Pastor Todd explains, "our church membership roll was a bit over 100, yet we never had more than 40% of the membership in attendance for anything we did. We tried the 'Purpose Driven' 40 day program, we tried skits, revivals, rock music, gangsta rap, puppet shows, carnivals, and other programs, but nothing seemed to work out for us. We had been seeing a steep decline in baptisms too. However, I noticed that anytime we had a fellowship meal or 'finger food night' after an evening service, we would see members come to church that we thought had died or maybe joined the French Foreign Legion."

That got Reverend Blackburn thinking. After consulting the deacons, the church called a committee and had a vote. What came out of that vote has now caused Rehoboam Baptist to be one of the fastest growing churches in Southeast Georgia.

Many other Baptist churches have fellowship meals, but Rehoboam Baptist has a meal after every single worship service, every Bible study, and every committee meeting. Pastor Blackburn says he's never seen anything draw the crowds and cause members to be more excited about church than when food is involved.

"In just 3 months", Pastor Todd says, "we've had 221 baptisms, 65 re-dedications, 95 join by letter, 43 join by statement of faith, and every altar call has been packed out. "However," the pastor confesses, "I have to admit that the large responses to my altar calls may have something to do with the free coffee and donut holes we offer people when they come forward to accept Jesus. During each altar call I tell our seekers that the donut holes we offer them represent the 'God shaped hole' they have in their hearts. It really works well!"

This new approach has even had a profound impact on the leadership of Rehaboam Baptist.

"Now all my deacons and committee members come to every church service and prayer meeting!" exclaims Pastor Todd with a big smile. "I have one Trustee who had a fear of going to church on Sunday evenings. He said it was related to childhood psychological trauma from his parents forcing him to go to church on Sunday evenings. Now that we have food following the evening services, this brother has been able to overcome his phobia! Praise the Lord!"

One key to making this program work, according to Pastor Blackburn, is variety:

"You gotta have variety. That's what keeps the people coming. It keeps things interesting. My people love fried chicken, but sometimes you just have to change it up a bit and offer ribs, or pork chops, or even steaks. Our Friday night Bible study features a fish-fry that's been a great outreach for Catholics. We are even considering having a kosher night once a month in order to reach out to Jews in our area."

With all the success Rehaboam Baptist has been having, not all are pleased with their efforts. Many conservative pastors and even a few "bloggers" have spoken out against Pastor Todd's methodology. Most notably, a blogger named Rhett Kelley, of Metter Georgia, has written the editor of The Baptist News Network Press calling Rehoboam Baptist's methods "an outright abomination" and that Pastor Todd "needs to quit pretending to be a pastor and go get a job at Shoney's."

Pastor Blackburn is unfazed by Kelley's criticisms. "He's a hyper-Calvinist," remarks Blackburn with a smirk, "that Rhett Kelley guy probably has nothing better to do than sit around all day reading the "Team Pyro" blog or something. No wonder he has no concern for evangelism. People like that are just quenching the spirit... Dr. Ergun Caner has been warning of such people."

Pastor Blackburn contends that this method is Biblical. He cites many examples from both the Old and New Testaments:

"Well, you see, if one takes a fresh look at the Old Testament sacrificial system, it really appears that God was just throwing a gigantic barbecue! In the New Testament we see Jesus feeding thousands of people with just a few loaves of bread and some fish. Think about the Passover meal and the other Jewish feasts. Look at the Lord's Supper. It's apparent to me that God is all for food, fun, and fellowship! I don't see what all the fuss is about. Jesus called himself the Bread of Life for goodness sakes! I haven't found a single verse saying we can't do this. As long as we be sure the poorer folks get plenty to eat and we abstain from getting drunk like the Corinthians did, I can't see anything wrong with our approach."

When asked if he believes the leaders of the Georgia Baptist Convention will support his methods, Pastor Blackburn confidently replied, "the leaders of the Convention are very supportive. They have even pledged to help underwrite the cost of our meals if we need help. They really want to see this program take off. With the SBC's sluggish baptism numbers, the 'Rehaboam growth model' is really turning heads. I am expecting an invitation to preach a series of messages on our model at First Baptist Church of Woodstock [Georgia] any day now. Who knows, I may even get the chance to address the entire Southern Baptist Convention if all goes well."

Rehoboam Baptist Church is located just 1/2 mile north of Interstate 16 on Old Rehoboam Lake Church Road in Pooler, GA. For more information or to speak to Reverend Blackburn call (912) 555-2007

(btw, this article is a satire)

A Few More Things You May Not Want to Know...

Okay...

So my list on the previous article probably didn't shock too many of my readers... With the exception of #3 and #6, some might have already predicted the other things I listed. Therefore, I am about to list a few more items that might be more shocking.

1. I have eaten Armadillo!

Yessir! On the ranch back home in Florida, we ate lots of interesting things! All you've got to do is get past the stench while butchering the things, and you can eat them with no problem!

2. I have eaten Soft Shell Turtle!

Just like the armadillo, these critters are also tasty when fried in grease!

3. When I was a teenager, I ate LIVE Green Tree Frogs.

It was one of those "I'll show them I'm a real man" kind of things... I actually made some money doing it too. Might would've had a promising career in the circus had I kept it up!

Again, these items might have been predictable as well due to my admission of having been in the Infantry, but these meals were all consumed prior to my military service...

Besides, I'd bet these three critters have nothing on the stuff Phil Johnson has eaten.

Gluttons Against Winebibbers

For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty: and drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags. -Proverbs 23:21 KJV

I think I smell hypocrisy...

The Southern Baptist Convention recently passed "Resolution #5" which is a broad condemnation of the manufacture, sale, and drinking of alcohol. I have already addressed this issue in a previous post, but in light of some things that have recently come to my attention, I want to rant about it again.

I think many Christians in America would applaud the recent actions by our denomination, but I believe Resolution 5 is very hypocritical. The reason I make this statement is because studies have shown that Southern Baptists are leading the way in the United States in regards to being overweight and obese!! My wife recently sent me links to some shocking articles that discuss theses facts. You can read those articles here, here, and here.

So while many Southern Baptists are patting themselves on the back for taking a stand against this "pet sin" that probably only a minority of Baptists actually partake in: they are flat ignoring the fact that a majority of Baptists are sinning by committing gluttony with food. If you noticed the passage of Scripture above, you'll see that gluttons are no better than drunkards! Both types of overindulgence are sinful!

So, what we really have here is a bunch of gluttons trying to take the motes out of the eyes of the winebibbers; all the while ignoring the beams stuck in their own eyes -and the two pieces of fried chicken stuck their own mouths!

Now I have to admit, I cannot get too self-righteous on this topic, because I am among that group of Southern Baptists who needs to shed a few pounds -about 20 actually. What got my attention about my health is when I had my cholesterol checked a few weeks back and my numbers came back about twice as high as they ought to be! It shocked me and made me do some serious thinking. I am now taking steps -through diet and exercise- to try and correct this problem before I end up just like my father who died from coronary artery disease at the age of 39 -despite being very slim and fairly active!

What I find amazing is that even though many Baptists would condemn a person for having a glass of wine with supper, adding red wine to a person's diet has been shown to be beneficial to reducing cholesterol levels! Seeing as though so many Baptists have weight problems, I'd have to guess that they probably have cholesterol problems as well. Perhaps then, a good thing for Southern Baptists to do would be to eat less food and drink red wine!

Instead of picking out "pet sins" to pass resolutions on, I suggest the SBC -as a whole- get serious about its collective health. If we really believe our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, we need to start acting like it! It's hypocritical to go around condemning folks for "defiling the temple" with tobacco and alcohol, while we are busy stretching the temple ourselves!

"Come, come, good wine is a good familiar creature, if it be well used: exclaim no more against it." -SHAKESPEAR, OTHELLO, ACT 2, SCENE 3

Peace at the Table

And as they did eat, Jesus took bread, and blessed, and brake it, and gave to them, and said, Take, eat: this is my body. And he took the cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them: and they all drank of it. And he said unto them, This is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many. -Matthew 14: 22-24 KJV

A passage from the book "Food at The Time of The Bible" says the following:

"To this day in the Middle East, the 'breaking of bread' with ones former enemy is an important symbol of the end of hostilities. This is one interpretation of the attached to the famous words of Psalm 23:5: 'You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies'... "

It also goes on to say:

"Once a meal was shared, it was a sign that peace had come between the diners. To this day among the desert dwelling Bedouin (many of who's customs can be traced to the Bible), the serving of a meal within one's tent is synonymous with the extending of protection."


When my wife read this to me, automatically my mind seemed to focus on one very important meal in which God's elect are called to be partakers - and that meal is what we call Communion or the Lord's Supper. While this ordinance is significant for many reasons, I never really thought about it in the terms I have quoted above...

Think about it for a second! What an amazing thought:

We who were at one time mortal enemies with God -and deserved nothing but His just condemnation- have now been reconciled to Him through Christ Jesus and now invited to partake in the Lord's Table!

God has made a covenant of peace and protection with his redeemed children through the blood of His only begotten Son. Though we were once His enemies, we have now become co-heirs with Christ -never to be estranged again! The fact that we are allowed to dine at the Lord's Table is a sign of peace having been made with Him! What an awesome, merciful, and loving God we serve!


But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments and ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. -Ephesians 2:13-16 ESV

To God alone be the Glory!