New Baptist Church Covenant for 2007

"Having been led, as we believe, by the feeling we got during the sermon we heard last Sunday, to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as our personal Savior by the raising of our hand and repeating of the Sinner's Prayer during an altar call, having been baptized in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, we do now, in the presence of the Pastor, and the Deacons, most solemnly and joyfully enter into covenant with one another as one of the many Baptist churches in this small town.

We engage, therefore, by the aid of frequent pot-luck dinners, to eat together in Christian charity; to strive for the advancement of the Republican Party, in campaigns, primaries, and the general elections; to promote our own prosperity and ease of life, not neglecting to attend Masonic Lodge meetings; and to care nothing at all about sound doctrine; to contribute every now and then to the local church for the support of the cooperative program, the entertainment of the church, the relief of the Humane Society, the spreading of the Southern Baptist Convention in all nations, so we will look good when our statistics are compared to other churches.

We also engage to maintain family and secret gossip; to educate our children in government schools; to seek to end Global Warming; to promote Antinomianism in the world; to be victorious in our lawsuits, faithful in our 2nd and/or 3rd marriages, and work for the deportment of the 12 million illegal aliens currently residing in the USA; to avoid all restaurants that serve alcohol, as well as avoid Wednesday evening prayer meetings and all Sunday Evening services; to abstain from the sale of, and use of, destructive literature containing Reformed Soteriology; to shun Bible reading, Systematic Theology, and Speaking in Tongues; to be overzealous in our efforts to advance the sale of Dr. Page's "Trouble with The Tulip".

We further engage to watch over one another like "big brother"; to remember one another on our birthdays; to send cards to one another in sickness and distress; to cultivate Christian self-esteem and warm fuzzy feelings, and to refrain from cursing or smoking cigarettes in front of the preacher; to be slow to take offense except in business meetings or during a sermon, but always be mindful of the rules of Parliamentary Procedure and to secure a copy of Robert's Rules of Order without delay.

We moreover engage that when we eventually do get our feelings hurt and leave this church we will, as soon as we get around to it, unite with some other church where we can carry out a study of The Purpose Driven Life and apply the principles of Your Best Life Now."