Proposed SBC Anti-Calvinism Resolution Leaked to Public

The Baptist News Network Press -Savannah, GA.

Anonymous sources have informed The Baptist News Network Press that the recently formed Southern Baptist Counter Reformation Task Force (or "SBCTRF") will introduce an anti-Calvinism resolution during the 2009 Southern Baptist Convention that will be held in Louisville, Kentucky.

Why wait until 2009 in Louisville, KY.?

Our sources tell us that Louisville was picked because of the location of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary (SBTS), and also because it will give the SBCRTF time to gain grassroots level support for their resolution. SBTS is considered by the SBCRTF to be a "training camp for the Calvinist Taliban insurgency." Other sources within the SBCRTF tell us that the passage of this resolution in Louisville will be a significant blow to Calvinists and may perhaps be "the final nail in the coffin of this so-called 'Reformed Resurgence.'"

Below is a transcript of the resolution that was leaked to The Baptist News Network Press earlier today:


The 2009 SBC Anti-Calvinism Resolution

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists should be taught that the initials "J.C." stand for Jesus Christ and not John Calvin; and

WHEREAS, we've all read Dave Hunt's "What Love is This?"; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism stifles evangelism, kills churches, and complicates the doctrine of "Once Saved, Always Saved"; and

WHEREAS, John Calvin was a beret wearing, wine drinking, snail eating, baby baptizing Frenchman; and

WHEREAS, the French are bad for not supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom; and

WHEREAS, John Calvin ruled Geneva like Fidel Castro rules Cuba; and

WHEREAS, John Calvin brutally murdered Michael Servetus, in cold blood, for no apparent reason; and

WHEREAS, whereas the late Jerry Falwell declared "Limited Atonement" a heresy; and

WHEREAS, Billy Graham is not a Calvinist; and

WHEREAS, whereas Calvinists are worse than Muslims; and

WHEREAS, we were "Elected because we selected"; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism produces legalistic resolutions about church membership integrity; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism created opposition to a sensible resolution concerning the total prohibition and eradication of all alcoholic beverages from the face of the planet; and

WHEREAS, Calvinists have been known to fall in the floor -seized in Charismatic type fits of laughter- while reading Dr. Page's "Trouble with the Tulip"; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism leads to attendance of Together for The Gospel conferences which can lead to too close of contact with Charismatics such as C.J. Mahaney; and

WHERAS, Calvinism leads to attendance of Ligonier Conferences which in turn leads to too close of contact with Presbyterians such as R.C. Sproul; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism leads Baptists to doubt Dispensational theology and the Pre-Tribulational Rapture; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism has lead to a drop in Baptism numbers throughout the Southern Baptist Convention; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism has lead to the explosive growth of Reformed blogs where people criticize the great evangelist Charles Grandison Finney; and

WHEREAS, we have not been able to silence Calvinist bloggers; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism makes God the author of sin; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism denies God's chief attribute which is omnibenevolence; and

WHEREAS, Calvinism denies Free Will and makes man into a robot; and

WHEREAS, we know that God gives His Grace to all who deserve it when they simply raise their hand during an altar call; therefore, be it

RESOLVED, that we the messengers to the Southern Baptist Convention being assembled in Louisville Kentucky hereby condemn Calvinistic theology as heresy; and be it further

RESOLVED, that the entire Southern Baptist Convention repent of any Calvinistic beliefs held in previous years and then rewrite Convention history as to exclude any references to having believed Calvinistic theology at all; and be it further

RESOLVED, that we urge all Southern Baptist entities to summarily fire any and all pastors or employees who hold to the "Five Points of Calvinism"; and be it further

RESOLVED, that we urge all Southern Baptist entities to conduct background checks, polygraph tests, and wire taps on all future candidates for employment to determine if applicants Calvinists; and be it further

RESOLVED, that all applicants found to be Calvinists should not be considered for employment; and be it finally

RESOLVED, that the Southern Baptist Convention shall auction off the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary to the highest bidding Presbyterian denomination.