The Enigmatic "Secret Rapture"

Of all the comments I have gotten here at Rhett's Rants, none have been quite as weird as that of the fellow we know as "Secret Rapture." Anytime I post an article dealing with Eschatology, I can always count on getting a comment from this fellow. It's always the same thing: an invite to view "MY INAUGURAL ADDRESS AT THE GREAT WHITE THRONE JUDGMENT OF THE DEAD."

Recently I decided to stop by the site and check out the "Inaugural Address." I found some interesting material to say the least. (It should probably be rated "R" though...) From skimming the material, I do believe that Mr. Secret Rapture is the sad result of Dispensational Eschatology combined with a large dose of LSD.

I would like to provide a few quotes from his "inaugural address" so you can get an idea of what kind of person we are dealing with here! I believe we may be dealing with an aspiring cult leader or something! I suspect he may even be a left-over from the "Heaven's Gate" cult or some other "UFO religion."

All quotes are directly from his website. I will strive to keep my comments to a minimum. Reader discretion is advised!

Some incite on his experience with the ladies:

"Actually, it wasn't so much that women turned me down, but that they simply ignored me. As a ghost, I can stand in front of a woman, and she looks right through me. They can't see me, and when I speak, they are startled to suddenly see someone standing in front of them!"

Now, I have to admit that I do like this idea:

"I'm going to save you a lot of tax money. I work for free. And the government that I will assemble will be a small fraction the size of the multimillion Federal Government. You'll no longer have to pay salaries for the one hundred Senators or the four hundred plus Congressmen and their thousands of support staff. The size of my Federal Government will be minuscule compared to the present one."

Confession is good for the soul:

"You should have noticed by now that I have a very immature, infantile view of women. This is simply because of the fact that I am an infant!"

I think I'll pass on this next idea:

"Once we get to the New Jerusalem, everyone will know what everyone is doing in the bedroom. This is not your private affair, or your own personal business. It is vital that everyone knows exactly what everyone is doing in the bedroom."

This might be a good thing. I believe in keeping the gene pool pure:

"I have no child, no issue.... no one will carry my genetic information in the next generation."

Now he's talking!!!:

"No one on the planet understands the tax code. I'm going to switch to a value added tax (the Fair Tax) with no more tax forms at all."

His blasphemous Christology:

There are inexhaustible ways to characterize Jesus, but the first way I would characterize him is as a stone age man – a cave man. The simple craftsman life in Galilee was too complex for him. More specifically he was a Stone Age Siberian style shaman. But secondly, he was a rocket man."

Secret Rapture's theory on the origin of cosmetics:

"It was the fallen angels who descended to earth because the women were fair who taught the use of cosmetics."

In an earlier exchange with this individual, I encouraged him to repent and be converted to Christ in order to avoid the torments of Hell, but in his reply, he informed me we are already in Hell!!?

Who is this mysterious "Secret Rapture?" On his website I have seen the name Alvin Miller, but I am thinking this is an alias to hide this person's true identity! For the past 48 hours I have been brainstorming who this mysterious person might really be..

Here's my list of suspects:

• Rosie O'Donnell
• Alec Baldwin
• Paul Ruebens
• Osama Bin Laden
• Elvis Presley
• Marilyn Manson

Please be sure to vote for your favorite in my comment section!